Pouring my heart out.....

We've now been home schooling for a month and during that time most of the ups and downs have actuallly been the ones going on inside my head as I adjust to this total life change for me. My biggest concren when I started was that having so much time with a challengiing special needs child would send me insane and I've been surprised at how well we've actually gotten along most of the time, until we got to the end of this week. I think a combination of so much time togther and me having a fluey, snotty head meant I had no patience left for the attitude that seemed to keep being thrown at me over the past few days and yesterday morning I snapped and literally slapped Jaden across the cheek when his smart mouth enraged me. Definately not my finest moment :-(

Thankfully God knows my limits and since he is the one who led me to do this I have found that he is also my biggest source of support and has sent other angels along to help me out too. Another home schooling friend took Jaden to ice-skating yesterday and ended up keeping him for the day and didn't drop him back till almost 4.30pm, so my snotty head got some rest. During that time I was enjoying the peace and thought maybe I should call his nan on his dad's side cause she sometimes has him for the weekend and he hadn't been there for a few weeks and while I was thinking about it she actually rang me and asked if she could have him. Respite organised without me even needing to ask, God is definately looking after me :-)

Apart from this week's snot induced lack of patience I have also been struggling to come to terms recently with my identity and path in life. I look back to the plans I had before I fell pregnant with Jaden and then the new plans I'd just made before finding out I was pregnant with Bethany and both times I was embarking on new studies and focusing on a degree and career and then felt like I got railroaded along a different path.

When I found out I was having Jaden I had just been accepted into law at Sydney uni and was planning on being a lawyer/human rights campaigner with some studies in history on the side just cause I love studying it. I was very far away from God at that time (as evidenced by my getting pregnant) and was with a guy I'd met at uni (I was doing the first year of journalism but wasn't a really a fan of the course or career for me) and we'd only been together 3 months. He wasn't thrilled at the news and ended up later vanishing off the map. So here I was alone and about to be a mum so law wasn't really gonna work. I deferred for a year but never ended up going. I did later end up doing some of an education degree at Macquarie uni but decided that just because I love history didn't mean I wanted to teach it to high school kids, even if the life of a teacher was better suited to being a single mum. Then I ended up getting married and I never went back to uni.

After getting married (I did things the right way this time and waited!) we tried for 2 years to have a baby and it just didn't work. I figured it wasn't meant to be (that was an incredibly long and hard journey in itself) so decided that since Jaden was at school and no more babies were coming I'd get back to my dreams of a degree and a career helping people. I discovered I could do a degree from home through Open Universities in community development and get credit for some of what I'd already studied. I got started and thought I'd found my path at last. At the same time I had just gotten a brand new job with World Vision and really loved being part of their vision and was promoting child sponorship in shopping centres. Then out of the blue I found out I was pregnant. I was so excited, but also confused. I had just started a journey I thought was from God and once again my path was changed into a totally different direction.

After having a baby break from study I was panning to go back and was indeed meant to start this coming Monday. I had even already got my subject stuff in the mail. But when I looked at the workload I realised I couldn't possibly manage it while I am home schooling. I could've done it with a bub at home cause she is a fabulous baby, but with home schooling my days are full and by the time the kids are in bed at night there are dishes to do and bottles to prepare and then I'd like to actually spend time with my hubby, so where was study gonna fit? The clincher was that I am meant to be starting up a home group for young women following on from the camp we did back in July and I knew I couldn't add any ministry to my plate on top of study too. It seemed to make no sense to me to not help people who were on my heart so that I could focus on a degree to help people, why not just skip the degree and help people?????

As simple as that sounds though this has been a really hard journey for me. I feel like I've been chasing this elusive piece of paper for so many years now and to be honest I feel like a bit of a failure to still have nothing to show for it after all this time. I am a very academic person with a distinction average and yet have never lived up to the "potential" my teachers all saw in me when I went back to do my HSC as a mature age student at St Marys Senior High. I love my children but had never before considered that caring for them could be a career, and yet every time I try to step anywhere else I get pulled right back to that path and I think I'm finally getting the point that it's where I'm meant to be, but it also means grieving the loss of the plans and dreams I always had for myself.

I've also realised lately that on top of feeling like a failure for having nothing to show for all that work, I have been feeling totally inadequate in terms of usefulness, not just for a lack of degree, but because I have been carrying some words that were spoken about me last year. I did one campaign with World Vision and I was really proud of myself for stepping out of my comfort zone and talking to strangers about poverty (one of the passions of my heart) and I felt that each person I spoke to, even the ones who didn't sign up to sponsor, went away with a seed planted in their heart to look beyond our privileged life and see the bigger world picture!!! Yet when the time came for the next campaign they didn't want me back because I was "too shy" to achieve what they expected and that was devastating to me. If my personality made me inadequate to do a job I was passionate about then what use would I be in any other job???? I hadn't even realised the extent of how much that hurt till I went forward for prayer at church a few weeks ago to ask for prayer for boldness cause I was sick of feeling like I was "too shy" to be effective! God showed me that He made my personality and it is just right for the gifts and talents He has placed in me, whether others see any value in them or not.

So here I am 1 month into home schooling having to let God reshape my whole identity!! Instead of looking back on studies and jobs as wasted, I am trying to see rather what was learnt or what seeds he planted in me through each of those experiences to make me who I am now and prepare me for this huge task of shaping, nurturing and educating my children to equip them to live for Him in this world. I think I am doing a good job in some moments, like when Jaden was horrified learning about the treatment of Aboriginals (another passion of my heart is to see much needed healing in this area of our nation's heart) and couldn't grasp how the Europeans didn't see them as people and that this was their home, for a kid with aspergers to have that kind of empathy means I am doing something right!!!!! And then there are days like yesterday when I lost it and I feel like I am totally just not up to this task at all!!!

But it's a jounrey and I'm learning and I'm sure that as I continue to be obedient to God and what He has called me to do I will feel more at peace with His path for my life, even though it looks so different to my own plans. I don't even know if anyone will read this long ramble that I'm pouring out here in cyberspace, but I felt like I needed to get it off my chest and be real and honest about all aspects of this journey, not just the good days. Now it's time for a cup of tea and then the ever exciting job of housework :-)

getting the green thumbs out

We've had a pretty slow and quiet week this week after being away for the weekend and all of us being quite snotty. Jaden has mainly been doing bookwork ( and did some absolutely beautiful handwriting I might add, big achievement for him!) But we also made time to get started on our garden which is part of our science work and also something we've wanted to do as a family for ages. For now the seeds are in little pots (recycled containers, no expense spared here LOL) and will be put in the garden once they become seedlings. Which means we need to get ourselves out in the garden clearing all the grass and weeds that have made themselves at home there since we haven't actually done anything in the garden in the 4 months we've lived in this house.

Here are the beginnings of our garden, with colour coded paddle pop labelling sticks. We have chives, parsley, basil, oregano, sunflowers, some mixed flowers (called festival of flowers on the pack, will be a lovely surprise when they bloom), pumpkin, carrots, corn, capsicum, lettuce, zucchini, tomatoes and strawberries. Will be a very yummy garden once it all grows!! We already have some rosemary growing out there and we'll add mint as well, they just didn't have any when we got our seeds.

The longest blog post ever :-)

We had a really fabulous family adventure last weekend. Saturday morning we headed off up the Blue Mountains, first stop was the 3 sisters and the weather was just right for beautiful views all the way down the valley.

Next we did a quick stop at explorers tree, there's not much left of it but Jaden really wanted to see it after he'd learnt baout the first mountians crossing.

Our next stop was the Zig Zag railway. We had a lovely picnic lunch while waiting for the train and then got on board for a ride.

The trip took an hour and a half but a lot of that time was stopping and waiting for the steam engine to change directions and tracks. I can see why they made tunnels instead once they had the technology, it would've taken them ages to get anywhere on this train.

Jaden had a great time, and Bethany even had a sleep during the noise and jolting motion of it all, the only down side was the soot we ended up getting all over us!!

We then made it to Oberon where we caught up with some friends for dinner and stayed the night at the big Trout motel. I left Brett with the kids and had some lovely girlie time helping with Donna's belly cast and eating plenty of chocolate.

On Sunday the boys went to Jenolan Caves and Jaden really enjoyed it. He wants to go back and see more of them. While the boys were off caving, Bethany and I were at Donna and Kathy's baby blessing back in Oberon and it was really lovely. They did such a beautiful job of setting everything up, and times of prayer and encouragement are always so special, it was lovely to be able to be there!

Little Bethany enjoyed herself rolling around amidst material and balloons and her and little Kaylee were so cute together. It's gonna be so lovely to see these 2 little girls grow up together. So that was our trip and then it was time to brave the horriffic traffic and head home. We finally made it back at 8pm after a maccas stop off to feed the screaming Bethany and whingeing Jaden, not to mention the hungry parents as well. We put bub to bed at 8 and didn't hear a peep till 6 the next morning, was such a lovely sleep as I was in bed about 9pm, so got 9 hours sleep in a row!!!!!!!!

On Monday she was still tired and had really long day sleeps too so I got plenty done around the house. Unfortunately we have all been sick since then and the sleepy baby has become a grizzly, grumpy baby which isn't all that great when I've been feeling like my head would explode, but thankfully the kids and I are on the mend, although we've passed it on to hubby who came home from work sick today :-(

It was just so lovely having some special family time together and one of the things I'm enjoying most about home schooling is actually having so much quality time with Jaden that there just wasn't time for with school and it's been nice for him to have some of that time with Brett too :-)

Where did the week go?

Well it's been a week since I blogged, time goes too quick for me to catch it! We've been learning more about the different habitats of Australia this week and Jaden did some great drawings about the outback, I especially love his Aussie tourist. He's also been learning about the first explorers to cross the Blue Mountains and about buidling roads, rail etc through the mountains, so tomorrow we are off to see it for ourselves. We're going to stop at explorers tree, the 3 sisters and the Zig Zag railway on our way up to Oberon, then on Sunday while Bethany and I are at Donna and Kathy's baby blessing Brett and Jaden are going to Jenolan caves. It will be a busy weekend but we are all looking forward to a family adventure :-)

Last Sunday we made use of the beautiful weather and decided to skip church and spend some family time instead. We had a lovely family picnic at Nurragingy reserve where little miss Bethany enjoyed rolling herself around on our picnic rug and saw duckies for the first time. She's growing up so quick and today sat on her own for quite a few seconds before starting to lean to the side, she's gonna be scooting around soon and into everything before I know it.

Boomerangs.

Today I took Jaden to the Muru Mittigar Aboriginal Cultural Centre in Penrith. We've been looking at early Australian history and have turned our attention towards what the people and land were like here before white settlement, a subject that has been of growing interest to me since learning through one of my uni courses just how much most of us don't know about our own history!!! Jaden was very excited to have a one on one lesson in boomerang throwing and he eventually got the hang of it. We learnt that the ones that come back weren't used to kill animals, they were used to scare animals from open areas into bushland where hunters were waiting. Apparently the noise and motion they make is similar to an Eagle and it startles other animals. I love how much I am learning through my new role as a teacher :-)

Our ant mine is proving to be an interesting experiment, all the ants keep dying. We've been catching the ones in my kitchen and they're quite small so we're thinking of trying to get some of the bigger ones from outside instead and see if they fare better. The plus side is though that the ants in my kitchen have diminished, maybe word has spread.... "don't go in there you'll be captured and you'll never come back!!! " LOL At least it's been helpful in freeing my pantry from our ant plague :-)

We've also disovered this week that Jaden is quite a good cook. He's always liked helping but we made scones on Wednesday and I just instructed and let him do it himself and he did a great job, and they were very yummy!! Time for a weekend break now :-)

Ants, firemen and God at work.....

It's been a few days since I've actually had a block of time to sit down and blog and a lot has happened in that time, although it's mostly been going on inside me so don't think anyone has noticed yet. I had a huge breakthrough on the weekend in how I feel about myself and where I am headed for the future. At church on Suday morning Jon-Paul was preaching from Acts and how they spoke with boldness, especially Peter who had denied Christ and now could not be contained talking about Jesus. There was opportunity for prayer afterwards and I went forward because I could definately do with a big dose of boldness!! I realised I have been very much holding back from things God has placed on my heart because I have let myself believe that I am totally inadequate!!!

I find it quite funny that not long ago I ran a camp for young women that was based around self worth and understanding how loved we are as God's daughters, and yet here I am struggling to grasp that about my own self yet again. God showed me on Sunday that a big part of what was holding me back was losing my job last year. I was working for World Vision promoting child sponsorship, right up my alley I thought since I am passionate about poverty and kids, but after one campaign I wasn't given any more shifts because I was "too shy" to get the results they wanted. I saw it as maybe kind of a compliment that at least I wasn't pushy but deep down it really hurt and I realised on the weekend that what I had internalised was "if you can't even do a job you're passionate about then you must be totally useless". OUCH!!!!

But wait there's more..... then Sunday night my hubby and I started chatting about some things and the floodgates just opened. I started being really honest about some fears I'd had when we got married (mostly to do with the pasts we both had before God brought healing in our lives) and asked questions I'd always wanted to but never been brave enough and it ended up being an amazing time of just peeling back layers of guilt, shame and other such crap that I've been dragging around with me for years. I was still letting my past tell me that I was yucky and no good and struggling to believe that I could ever really be of use to anyone. So after many tears and some prayer we went to bed and I woke up yesterday different.

I can't explain it other than I feel lighter and for the first time in probably a year I noticed that I could have a nice piece of cake and then walk away, instead of wanting to eat the whole darn thing. I hadn't even realised the extent of my emotional eating until it wasn't there anymore. So I'm looking forward to actually making a real effort at getting back to a healthy weight now and more importantly I am ready for the next adventure God has set me which is running a home group for young women with Jantelle and working thorugh captivating, knowing that I am more than able because it's God who's showing up for these girls each week and I just have to love them and be obedient, not perfect :-)

So that's me, as for Jaden he's had a great couple of days putting together an ant mine as part of our work on habitats and God's world (he is currently in the kitchen trying to catch some ants to put in it as we have an ample supply in our pantry). Today he got to sit in a fire truck at the church playgroup and thought it was great. He's been doing really well with the 'boring' stuff like bookwork too which is very encouraging!

The first week went well ... and some interesting facts on Aussie animals:-)

Well we have officially finished our first week of home schooling and I am very encouraged by how well it's going. I've only had a couple of moments of frustration with Jaden which is much better than I expected. I love the flexibility of working when he is at his best. I can tell when his morning meds are wearing out and we stop until after he has had lunch and tablets and can then pick up later when he is able to concentrate again, except on days like today when the maths he did this morning was frustrating for him and so once we got through that and some other work on animals I could tell his brain was fried and declared school done for the day!!! He is now making use of the brand new foxtel we got connected yetserday and is watching cartoons while Bethany is asleep and mummy is having computer time, all is well with the world :-)

I'm actually realising just how hard school has been for Jaden. He brought home his work when we visited the school on Tuesday and when I looked through it I saw rushed, messy work, unfinished worksheets, doodling all over everything, workbooks with pages crossed out.... I don't think he actually got much done at school at all cause he was always so distracted or frustrated. No wonder his mid year report showed him being behind. The maths we worked on this morning should've been revision for him and yet he really struggled with it. I am now more confident than ever that this was definately the right decision for my boy and I think he will thrive with the one on one help and attention!!!!

I also love the fact that we are doing Bible lessons together too and this morning I tied in our work on Australian animals with looking at the wonder of creation and it provided a great opportunity to talk about evolution with Jaden too as this comes up in books a lot. We were able to discuss that some people choose not to believe in a Creator despite the amazing intricacies of life that point quite clearly to God, and we most definately have not descended from apes, we are created in God's image!

I am also loving the fact that I am learning heaps of new stuff too. These are some interesting facts I learnt today:
# Australia has the worst extinction record for mammals of any country in the world (not an encouraging fact).
#Australia has 416 species of butterflies.
#Only the male Funnel Web is lethal and the venom doesn't affect dogs or cats.
# We have the most venomous snake in the world and it's not the Brown snake, it's the Inland Taipan. A single bite can produce enough venom to kill 100 people! (no wonder tourists freak out about our animlas LOL)
# Budgerigar is an Aboriginal word for 'good eating' (poor birdies :-( ).
# Rainforest survival depends on the Cassowary spreading seeds in their poop .
# Even grosser poop fact: the first solid food baby Koalas eat is their mother's poo, this is because they need the bacteria in it to make their guts able to later digest Eucalyptus leaves which are actually poisonous!
# Wombats can run at speeds of up to 40 km/hr.

Now you all know some new facts too. Have a great weekend :-)

And so it begins......

For some reason the pictures have ended up in a big clump and I have no idea how to change it, I'm hopeless with technology, so photo clump it is!!!

The last few days have been pretty full on, I'm finding myself feeling very busy and by the end of the day a bit flustered trying to get stuff done. Little miss Bethany (who is now rolling, very exciting!) has decided that this week she will be whingey, clingey, grumpy and not sleep well to mark the occaison of me starting to home school her brother, hence it's been a challenge but I am learning to juggle. The house is definately going to suffer, but we'll just have to live with it and I will have to stop being such a neat freak.... you should see my desk right now, very messy and so not like me! The pics above are of my beautiful children who both seem to be liking more time at home together, and yesterday's sunrise. I was up way too early with my bubba but that was the view out my kitchen window (the photo doesn't do it justice) and it felt like a special reminder from God about the beauty in each day, even the sleep deprived ones :-)

The schooling has been going great, I am so proud of Jaden. He's started his maths workbook and we've been working on our "Australia" theme. We've started by looking at Sydney. He's been writing recounts of places he's been and we've been reading through some history. We went to Penrith library yesterday and he was soooo excited at how big it was, the one in St Marys is quite tiny by comparison, he's a bookworm like me and came home with a pile of books that he's already halfway through.

We also visited his old school yesterday to drop some stuff back and his classmates mobbed him and gave him some lovely cards. It was lovely to see him so appreciated and we'll definately be keeping in touch with friends :-)

Today we made the above model of the Sydney Harbour Bridge, complete with lego cars crossing it. Jaden had all the great ideas, I just had to cut some of the tougher cardboard pieces. Tomorrow we're going to start looking at Australian flora and fauna and how Aboriginals used the land. I am actually really impressed by how much work Jaden has done in just our first 3 days, especially considering we've had his psychologist appointment, a trip to the school, a haircut, and a visit to the library amongst all that. He has been able to sit and really focus on bookwork for a couple of hours each day and one on one you can get so much done in that time, then he gets to do all the hands on stuff and he's really enjoying that. I can't even believe how neat his writing has been, so proud and impressed with my boy!!!!

We're going on an excursion in the next couple of weeks to 'cross' the Blue Mountains like the explorers did and will end up in Oberon to visit some friends :-), I love how there are teachable moments in everything!!!! The last photo above is of the beautiful flowers my hubby had delivered to our house yesterday as a lovely surprise. I'd been feeling a bit overwhelmed and was getting a bit down and emotional, feeling like a fat, frumpy housewife and he was just so sweet about it. When he came home he hugged me and prayed for me and reminded me of the contribution I make to our home and family. I felt so loved and appreciated and honoured. I am very blessed to have such a supportive, amazing man in my life!!!