Ants, firemen and God at work.....

It's been a few days since I've actually had a block of time to sit down and blog and a lot has happened in that time, although it's mostly been going on inside me so don't think anyone has noticed yet. I had a huge breakthrough on the weekend in how I feel about myself and where I am headed for the future. At church on Suday morning Jon-Paul was preaching from Acts and how they spoke with boldness, especially Peter who had denied Christ and now could not be contained talking about Jesus. There was opportunity for prayer afterwards and I went forward because I could definately do with a big dose of boldness!! I realised I have been very much holding back from things God has placed on my heart because I have let myself believe that I am totally inadequate!!!

I find it quite funny that not long ago I ran a camp for young women that was based around self worth and understanding how loved we are as God's daughters, and yet here I am struggling to grasp that about my own self yet again. God showed me on Sunday that a big part of what was holding me back was losing my job last year. I was working for World Vision promoting child sponsorship, right up my alley I thought since I am passionate about poverty and kids, but after one campaign I wasn't given any more shifts because I was "too shy" to get the results they wanted. I saw it as maybe kind of a compliment that at least I wasn't pushy but deep down it really hurt and I realised on the weekend that what I had internalised was "if you can't even do a job you're passionate about then you must be totally useless". OUCH!!!!

But wait there's more..... then Sunday night my hubby and I started chatting about some things and the floodgates just opened. I started being really honest about some fears I'd had when we got married (mostly to do with the pasts we both had before God brought healing in our lives) and asked questions I'd always wanted to but never been brave enough and it ended up being an amazing time of just peeling back layers of guilt, shame and other such crap that I've been dragging around with me for years. I was still letting my past tell me that I was yucky and no good and struggling to believe that I could ever really be of use to anyone. So after many tears and some prayer we went to bed and I woke up yesterday different.

I can't explain it other than I feel lighter and for the first time in probably a year I noticed that I could have a nice piece of cake and then walk away, instead of wanting to eat the whole darn thing. I hadn't even realised the extent of my emotional eating until it wasn't there anymore. So I'm looking forward to actually making a real effort at getting back to a healthy weight now and more importantly I am ready for the next adventure God has set me which is running a home group for young women with Jantelle and working thorugh captivating, knowing that I am more than able because it's God who's showing up for these girls each week and I just have to love them and be obedient, not perfect :-)

So that's me, as for Jaden he's had a great couple of days putting together an ant mine as part of our work on habitats and God's world (he is currently in the kitchen trying to catch some ants to put in it as we have an ample supply in our pantry). Today he got to sit in a fire truck at the church playgroup and thought it was great. He's been doing really well with the 'boring' stuff like bookwork too which is very encouraging!