The mission of motherhood.

Motherhood....a word that brings such a variety of emotions to my mind. Exhaustion, joy, frustration, fun, delight, boredom and all of it is discussed so beautifully in the Sally Clarkson book I am reading called "The Mission of Motherhood". I look at times like in the photos above with my baby girl where she is giggling her head off, and then pulling her new "ooh" face and wonder how I could have days where I would rather be a million miles away than here, but I do!

I am finding such great encouragement in looking at a realistic and Biblical view of being a mum. That children aren't meant to be conveneient packages that we slot into our lives as society seems to assume we can and I've realised that for 10 years I've been resentful at losing my life and have seen my boy as a burden and not a blessing. Yes he is very challenging, but I have missed out on so many opportunities to enjoy him because of my attitude, I wish I had read this book a decade ago!!! Of course there will be days when the house is just chaos and I would dearly love a day to myself, but when I see this as my God given role to invest in these precious lives for eternity it gives the mundane a whole new persepctive, this is not something I am doing until my kids get big and I can do something more important, this is the most important thing I will ever do, how did I not get that before????!!!!!!

I would like to thank Lusi for mentioning the book in her blog which is what inspired me to get it, and I encourage all of you to read it and be reminded of what an awesome, important job we have been given as mums of God's precious kids :-)

My stunning family :-)

I picked up our family portraits today that we had done about 2 months ago. Scanning them in to the computer doesn't do them justice at all, the colours don't look quite right and they're nowhere near as clear as the ones we have in the album (I'm guessing they probably do something to them on purpose that makes that happen so that if you want decent reprints you have to go back and buy them!). They weren't cheap but I think they're beautiful and am glad we did it :-)

I love this shot, he's a million miles way, it captures him perfectly "off with the pixies somewhere" :-)

The beauty of life..

After all the angst and drama of my last post I wanted to share some of the positive things going on around here too, starting with the beauty that I was enjoying in my backyard this morning!! I wanted to post a picture of our random lamp post in the middle of the yard, cause it always reminds me of Narnia and makes the place feel a bit like a magic garden :-)

One of our bottle brush trees that is always full of birds (and bees),

Our veggie garden growing fabulously after all the recent rain!!!

My sunflowers, and the little one that got munched by snails is growing back, YAY!

Our first rose since I pruned the bush, but there are plenty more buds about to bloom.

I absolutely love this tree. No idea what it is but it started blooming in the past couple of weeks and the flowers are 3 different shades of purple, it's absolutely beautiful!

On the last night that Jaden was away last week I surprised Brett with a candlelight dinner. I even got out the wine glasses. We got them as an engagement present but have never used them since neither of us like wine, but apple cider felt much fancier in a wine glass ;-)

We were joined by a third party for our romantic dinner since little miss Bethany decided to be all out of routine that day, but it was good anyway cause it meant daddy got to spend time with her which he sometimes misses out on when he does 12 or 13 hour days.

This is Bethany's latest face, it comes with an excited 'oooh' sound and is so cute, always makes me laugh.

It's time for child proofing!!!! She's not even crawling properly yet but she already gets around the loungeroom and is starting to explore everything. Luckily this is her shelf of books, but she'll find the things she can't have soon enough I'm sure!!

crushed spirit :-(

Yesterday we had a hard, horrible evening and I have been tossing and turning all night trying to figure out what to do about it. There are some messes that just can't be fixed and I find myself still dealing with the consequences of my stupidity and disobedience to God so many years ago, why must we always learn the hard way!!!!

For those who don't know my history I had Jaden on my own. I was at uni, had just moved out of home for the first time and was at a point in my early 20's where I wasn't sure if I even really believed in God anymore, it was something I'd grown up with but never really explored for myself. I found uni to be the perfect environment to completely confuse someone struggling with their faith and I got to the point where I wasn't even sure if God was real. During this time I was friends with a guy from uni who was so intelligent and into politics and passionate about the environment, things that were so appealing to me back then when I was a vegetarian tree hugging hippie type person. I was also drinking a lot back then and on a student environment conference we went to in Hobart things went beyond friendship. The thing is that very first night should've sent alarm bells ringing in my head about what kind of person he really was, I was REALLY drunk and he was sober, he knew it was my first time, he knew I was struggling to get my head around what I really believed, any decent guy would never have taken advantage of that situation.

Anyway we ended up 'seeing' each other for a couple of months after that because I figured you probably should date a person after you'd slept with them, but it never went well, especially when I realised how screwed up he was and that he was smoking pot every day and spending all his money on drugs. By the time I wisened up to my stupidity I was pregnant. His reaction when I told him was to ask if we could still sleep together, that was the final nail in the coffin of any relationship we were going to have, his priorities became crystal clear!!!

After I had Jaden he saw him once, then never turned up again. I had to apply for child support to get centrelink benefits and he got nasty and said how did he even know it was his child, started calling me names, then disappeared off the face of the earth. He later sent me a letter saying he wanted nothing to do with us and wasn't interested in his son. Despite all this crap Jaden has still had contact with his father's family. He sees his nan, some uncles and aunties and cousins and they no longer have contact with his father either. They didn't agree with his decision to ignore his son and so him and his new woman decided to cut his whole family off from their lives. He also has an identical twin brother who ditched the family at that time too, but in the last couple of months he has decided he wants his family back and this is when things started getting interesting.

Since Jaden has been seeing his uncle who is his father's twin he has been saying more and more how much he wants to meet his dad. He has brought home photos of him from his nan's and is always asking about him. I thought maybe it was time to try contact again and found him on facebook. I sent him a message saying I didn't want anything just thought maybe he'd like to at least see some photos of how Jaden was turning out. Well I got no reply and then couldn't find him again so he either deleted his facebook or barred me from finding him, either way he made his feelings quite clear. The yesterday the crap hit the fan!

Jaden came home from a day with that side of his family (they were all there celebrating the 40th of one of his uncles) declaring that his dad was going to visit him. I was quite shocked by that statement and asked him why he thought that and he said he had told his uncle that he wants to see his dad and so he asked him to please call him and give him my address. I have no idea what the uncle said about all this but Jaden had it stuck in his head that his dad will be turning up on the doorstep to come and visit him. I decided it was time for a reality check and had to have a heartbreaking conversation with my son. How do you tell a 10 year old that their dad isn't coming to visit????

I explained that I had tried to contact his dad myself but that he was too busy with his own life and wasn't going to visit. Then Jaden said "but I'm his own son why wouldn't he want to see me", good question, one I've been trying to get my own head around for 10 years. I just said I didn't understand why his dad wouldn't visit and that maybe he was just too busy. So of course after this Jaden was an emotional mess, as was I. I went outside to water the garden so he wouldn't see me crying my eyes out. But it had an unexpected triggering effect on my husband too. Him and Jaden got into a battle of wills at bathtime and I ended up intervening cause it was getting ugly and I knew Jaden was in no fit state to be picked on over something that didn't really matter. I tried to be gentle and just say to pick your battles, does this really matter and then Brett flew off the handle and stormed out of the house, something I have never, ever seen him do! The he started spouting out that he's the one who's here doing his best as a dad and yet Jaden won't listen to him and just wants the dad who doesn't even care.

What a mess!!!!! The whole house was just one big triggered, emotional melting pot and to be honest it doesn't feel much better this morning. I'm gonna ring Jaden's nan and find out exactly what this uncle has said or promised and make it quite clear that I am not happy about him filling Jaden's head with fairy tales. As for Brett and I we have some talking to do and I will be making sure he takes an hour or so off work in the next few weeks to talk to Jaden's psychologist about having realisitc expectations of Jaden and picking his battles, he just can't seem to get his head around aspergers and what I say seems to fall on deaf ears, it needs to come from a professional cause he always just thinks I am making excuses for Jaden or being too soft on him. At the moment I am feeling totally agitated with men in general cause they just seem to make my son's life miserable and I know that's quite an overstatement but I am just feeling very raw this morning and have no idea how to soothe the crushed spirit of a devastated little boy :-(

Hanging out in outer space!

This is one of Jaden's bedroom walls. One of my dearest friends is a very talented artist and has made Jaden's room into an outer space retreat that he absolutely loves and proudly shows everyone who walks through our front door!

I couldn't quite get the whole wall in one photo.

Some of the elements on the wall up close: a space shuttle,

and the satellite he requested.

This is the other side of his room to show the colour contrast. 3 of the walls are light blue and then we used the really deep blue for the mural wall and also the skirting boards, window trims and the bit around the ceiling that has a technical name that escapes me right now. We decided to play with colour a bit for accessories though cause we wanted to brighten up the blue a bit, so his curtains are bright red, his rug is bright red whith white swirls on it and his sheets etc are red, with a red/blue toned quilt cover (that is currently hiding under my multicoloured childhood blanket). Bethany has a mural in progress as well that will hopefully be finished next week, will post pics of her room when it's all done, it's sooooo pretty :-)

New books!

Some new books I ordered for school got delivered today, I so love new books!!! I had a Learning Ladder party a couple of weeks ago and ordered a few things for school and also got 2 christmas pressies for Bethany, a lift the flap book that make animal sounds and a stacking, shape sorter giraffe. I got the Boost series for maths and english cause I haven't been happy with what we used last term. These ones are sets of 3 workbooks and as they work through them they unlock codes which give game reward time on a CD Rom.

I also got a thesaurus that I'm really impressed with, it doesn't just list alternative words it writes them all in sentences and in a variety of ways, just what my struggling writer needs! I also got 2 science books, the blast lab one has lots of fun things in it (stay tuned in term 4 for a home made rocket!!) and the water book covers every aspect of water and every question you can think of, so we're doing a unit on water to help answer the millions of questions Jaden has about all things water and weather related!

I've also had a couple of new books myself this week thanks to Koorong. I got a novel set in ancient Ireland that I devoured in 2 days and will now have to get the next one in the series (I LOVE historical fiction, especially all things celtic) and I got a book on homeschooling methods that I found incredibly helpful. I have to admit I am often confused by all the terms people use to do with home schooling and had no idea what classical, traditional etc all meant in terms of schooling. I read through the book having many "ah so that's what that means" moments and have discovered I am an eclectic home schooler cause I use bits and pieces of various methods and ideas. I also found some really helpful tips in there as this is still a brand new journey for us and I am very much learning as I go! I have one more book coming that was back ordered, but got an email yesterday saying it was despatched so it should turn up tomorrow. It's Sally Clarkson's "The Mission of Motherhood", the snippet that Lusi shared on her blog was so inspiring that I knew I needed to read the whole thing.

It's actually been a really peaceful couple of days (hence I got to read a book in 2 days YAY), because Jaden is away with some of his dad's family. The plan was originally to go to see his cousins in Bathurst for a couple of days but they asked if he could stay till Friday so I am having a really nice break, which is giving me time to actually miss having Jaden around, a nice refreshing place to be before we start the new term next week. :-)

Royal stuff up!!

This is today's ultrasound pic of my little peanut, you can see there is something to the right of it which is what the sonographer on Tuesday called a 'non viable second twin', however the sonographer today had a good, clear look and said it was never another baby at all, it's an extra bit of placenta that can happen sometimes and it has in fact shrunk from what the pictures showed in the last scan. So I have been through the emotional wringer for nothing!!!

The bub is fine and has a very strong heartbeat which I heard today and they don't see the placenta growth being a problem, but I will need another scan at 14 weeks just to check on it. I go back to see my OB on Wed and will be able to ask him more questions but at the moment I just cannot describe the sheer relief I am feeling. This wasn't our twins at all (which means if they're still to come we'll have 5 kids all up and we were only planning on 4 but I have no objections to one more :-) ). I think for any future pregnancies I will request to go the place I went to today and give the other place a wide berth. I just can't believe they wrote that it was a dead baby in the report if they weren't really sure that's what it was.

Thank you everyone so much for your prayers, I have felt quite peaceful through this whole saga and knew there were people praying!!One very happy mumma here today :-)

In ALL things!!!

I'm on a bit of an emotional roller coaster at the moment and am prone to crying at random times without much provocation, but at the same time I am also peaceful and doing ok as weird as that sounds. I saw the OB yesterday and he sent me off for a hormone blood test and am having another ultrasound today then I go back to see him next Wed. He was surprised I hadn't had any bleeding and so now I am paranoid every time I go to the toilet that I'm going to find blood and I have been feeling really scared that we would lose the other baby.

But God has been very gentle with me and last night I sat and journalled for a while and was reflecting on Romans 8:28 that "ALL things" work together for good, not just the things that I think are good, but all things are in God's hands. I could get angry at God and turn away from Him, but what would that achieve... I would be alone, bitter, miserable and still have lost a baby, but when I turn to God I find comfort and peace, I don't find answers, cause He is God and there will always be things He allows that I don't understand, but I find a gentle hand holding mine, arms of peace surrounding me, and a loving Father who is cradling my little bubba in His arms.

I have been praying lots for the living baby too, not just to stay healthy and strong, but to know God's peace in there and not feel sad and lonely now that they have lost their little twin. I can't help but be sad at not ever getting to meet this little one in this world and that our dream of twins growing up together isn't gonna happen, but I am also so thankful for the little life still growing in there and know how blessed I am to be having another bubba, especially so soon after the last one, when so many others are waiting and longing, just like I used to be, for a little miracle from God. I don't want to take the miracle of life for granted, and yes it is a miracle, when statistically 1 in 4 pregnancies don't make it, and why should I be immune from that sadness when I have watched so many others go through it and grieved the loss of 2 nieces or nephews as well as the babies of many friends.

So despite the sadness there is also joy, despite not understanding God's ways I know He is a good God who loves me and is there for me and I know that I will be ok in His arms and will get to meet my little one in heaven where they're probably busy playing with their 2 little cousins. I know my God and I will trust Him that ALL things, even this, will work together for good!

Heartbroken :-(

I went to pick up my offical ultrasound results today and went to see the Dr. The lady yesterday was lovely and showed me the heartbeat, but obviously didn't tell me the full story, I guess they're not supposed to. My Dr looked at the results today and yes there is one healthy little bubba, but there is also a 'non viable second twin' roughly the same size. This was our twins and yet one is dead. At the moment I am just so stunned and confused. Why would God prepare us for years with dreams of twins if we were only ever gonna get to hold one of them? It might seem ungrateful to be sad about losing one baby when there is another healthy one in there, but that was my bubba and I'm heartbroken. I have an appointment to see an obstetrician tomorrow and I guess will find out then what they do now, I don't know if they have to remove it or not. I would really value prayer right now :-(

1 little heartbeat :-)

I had my ultrasound yesterday and there's one little healthy bubba in there! As much as we had ourselves mentally prepared to find twins I am quite relieved that there's just one. It means we don't have to get a bigger car yet and we can fit the bub in our room in a bassinet to start with then put it in with Bethany, whereas we weren't quite sure how we were fitting 2 babies into any room at all. The scan put me 2 weeks behind where my dates put me but that wasn't really a surprise because the dating methods assume a 28 day cycle which I have never had, mine is alwasy 5-6 weeks so the dates from the scan fit in with that. I am 7 weeks and 3 days today and am due on the 23rd May, which is a week before Jaden's birthday and since my last 2 have been late it might be a nice birthday gift for my boy (and he has put in an order for a brother this time, will have to wait and see what God delivers). It was so nice seeing a tiny little heartbeat on the screen, I'm always a little fearful at the start since my sister has lost 2 babies, so seeing that beating heart brought a big smile to my face and a little tear to my eye, can't wait to meet this little one next year :-)

On a very positive note I'm also not feeling quite as sick. I was REALLY sick on the weekend, couldn't even hold water down and for 2 days was just hovering over a bucket. But I am now just having waves of ickiness which feels like nothing compared to the weekend. I think it may've been something I ate as we went to a birthday party on the sat and I had some fried sorts of foods which in hindsight was a bad idea with a pregnant nauseated tummy and no gallbladder as well. I ceratinly wont be repeating that mistake, was absoluetly horrible, especially when my hubby invited friends over for the NRL grand final and I couldn't even stomach the smell of the food, then the little bit I did eat all came back up, in the loungeroom, thankfully after they had just literally walked out the door, that could've been the worst dinner invite ever if the guests copped that!!! My hubby didn't have a great night either, but that was cause his beloved Eels lost, never mind, at least they played respectably!!!

Reflections of our first term.

Check out this clever little girl, she gets up like this and starts rocking but can't quite get anywhere yet (well except backwards when she starts wriggling and sliding which is very cute).

So it's the end of our first term of home schooling and I have been pondering how it's gone. Bookwork wise Jaden has actually achieved quite a lot. He has completed 2 units in his Targeting English workbook and a terms worth of work in his Targeting maths workbook, plus several pages in his handwriting book, and also quite a bit of work in our "Australia" project book. But I am finding that I am not satisfied with what he has actually learnt. I think these workbooks (which are designed for schools) tend to rush from one concept to another and I don't think he's actually grasping a lot of the content, especially in maths. I've mentioned before that he seems quite behind what he should know by this stage of year 4 and I think his struggles to cope and concentrate at school have meant he has missed out on a lot more work that I realised. So I am changing tactics a little.

I have decided to basically repeat Jaden next year. So for the last term of this year we are going to focus on more basic maths and grammar skills, and a science unit ( he loves science!!), plus some Old Testament Bible studies cause he's trying to get his head around why people had to do sacrifices. Then next year we will do year 4 again and I have found some workbooks from RIC publications that I'm a lot happier with. I think the fact that we started mid year and that school had gotten to be such a stressful thing by that time means we kind of started out a bit behind and it will be good to take the next term to simplify things a bit and then have a fresh start in the new year. In the scheme of things I think an extra year of primary school is far better than 'getting through' schoolwork but not actually learning or retaining anything.

So for now we are having a break for the holidays, not that we've done much the last couple weeks anyway cause I've been feeling so sick, then it's back to basics next term!

Blending people!

I am the child of a 'blended' family so you think I would have some insight into how to make things a little smoother in my own house, but alas I find that my own childhood makes it harder to be level headed about family dramas because it pushes all my own buttons. My hubby works long hours and comes home to Jaden's unmedicated time of the day and things always descend into chaos. My little boy was very sad at bedtime tonight feeling like daddy just always picks on him and I get so upset by that. I have talked to both of them about how they treat each other and their relationship, but sometimes I feel like I'm just banging my head against a brick wall and am a referee here. How on earth do you truly blend people into a family??????