crushed spirit :-(

Yesterday we had a hard, horrible evening and I have been tossing and turning all night trying to figure out what to do about it. There are some messes that just can't be fixed and I find myself still dealing with the consequences of my stupidity and disobedience to God so many years ago, why must we always learn the hard way!!!!

For those who don't know my history I had Jaden on my own. I was at uni, had just moved out of home for the first time and was at a point in my early 20's where I wasn't sure if I even really believed in God anymore, it was something I'd grown up with but never really explored for myself. I found uni to be the perfect environment to completely confuse someone struggling with their faith and I got to the point where I wasn't even sure if God was real. During this time I was friends with a guy from uni who was so intelligent and into politics and passionate about the environment, things that were so appealing to me back then when I was a vegetarian tree hugging hippie type person. I was also drinking a lot back then and on a student environment conference we went to in Hobart things went beyond friendship. The thing is that very first night should've sent alarm bells ringing in my head about what kind of person he really was, I was REALLY drunk and he was sober, he knew it was my first time, he knew I was struggling to get my head around what I really believed, any decent guy would never have taken advantage of that situation.

Anyway we ended up 'seeing' each other for a couple of months after that because I figured you probably should date a person after you'd slept with them, but it never went well, especially when I realised how screwed up he was and that he was smoking pot every day and spending all his money on drugs. By the time I wisened up to my stupidity I was pregnant. His reaction when I told him was to ask if we could still sleep together, that was the final nail in the coffin of any relationship we were going to have, his priorities became crystal clear!!!

After I had Jaden he saw him once, then never turned up again. I had to apply for child support to get centrelink benefits and he got nasty and said how did he even know it was his child, started calling me names, then disappeared off the face of the earth. He later sent me a letter saying he wanted nothing to do with us and wasn't interested in his son. Despite all this crap Jaden has still had contact with his father's family. He sees his nan, some uncles and aunties and cousins and they no longer have contact with his father either. They didn't agree with his decision to ignore his son and so him and his new woman decided to cut his whole family off from their lives. He also has an identical twin brother who ditched the family at that time too, but in the last couple of months he has decided he wants his family back and this is when things started getting interesting.

Since Jaden has been seeing his uncle who is his father's twin he has been saying more and more how much he wants to meet his dad. He has brought home photos of him from his nan's and is always asking about him. I thought maybe it was time to try contact again and found him on facebook. I sent him a message saying I didn't want anything just thought maybe he'd like to at least see some photos of how Jaden was turning out. Well I got no reply and then couldn't find him again so he either deleted his facebook or barred me from finding him, either way he made his feelings quite clear. The yesterday the crap hit the fan!

Jaden came home from a day with that side of his family (they were all there celebrating the 40th of one of his uncles) declaring that his dad was going to visit him. I was quite shocked by that statement and asked him why he thought that and he said he had told his uncle that he wants to see his dad and so he asked him to please call him and give him my address. I have no idea what the uncle said about all this but Jaden had it stuck in his head that his dad will be turning up on the doorstep to come and visit him. I decided it was time for a reality check and had to have a heartbreaking conversation with my son. How do you tell a 10 year old that their dad isn't coming to visit????

I explained that I had tried to contact his dad myself but that he was too busy with his own life and wasn't going to visit. Then Jaden said "but I'm his own son why wouldn't he want to see me", good question, one I've been trying to get my own head around for 10 years. I just said I didn't understand why his dad wouldn't visit and that maybe he was just too busy. So of course after this Jaden was an emotional mess, as was I. I went outside to water the garden so he wouldn't see me crying my eyes out. But it had an unexpected triggering effect on my husband too. Him and Jaden got into a battle of wills at bathtime and I ended up intervening cause it was getting ugly and I knew Jaden was in no fit state to be picked on over something that didn't really matter. I tried to be gentle and just say to pick your battles, does this really matter and then Brett flew off the handle and stormed out of the house, something I have never, ever seen him do! The he started spouting out that he's the one who's here doing his best as a dad and yet Jaden won't listen to him and just wants the dad who doesn't even care.

What a mess!!!!! The whole house was just one big triggered, emotional melting pot and to be honest it doesn't feel much better this morning. I'm gonna ring Jaden's nan and find out exactly what this uncle has said or promised and make it quite clear that I am not happy about him filling Jaden's head with fairy tales. As for Brett and I we have some talking to do and I will be making sure he takes an hour or so off work in the next few weeks to talk to Jaden's psychologist about having realisitc expectations of Jaden and picking his battles, he just can't seem to get his head around aspergers and what I say seems to fall on deaf ears, it needs to come from a professional cause he always just thinks I am making excuses for Jaden or being too soft on him. At the moment I am feeling totally agitated with men in general cause they just seem to make my son's life miserable and I know that's quite an overstatement but I am just feeling very raw this morning and have no idea how to soothe the crushed spirit of a devastated little boy :-(