I'm His girl :-)

I wanted to use this photo of Mine and Elora's hands in this post because it reminds me in such a visual way of how my big God is holding my hand, cause I am his little girl!

Over the last week I have been on such a roller coaster. After I finally opened up in my last post about how much I was struggling so many people reached out to me and I felt incredibly supported. Several people from church brought meals to help make my days easier and I had lots of people checking up on me!

I am doing much better, no thanks to the medical profession. I had 3 trips to the doctor that achieved nothing. The first time he gave me a referral to a psychiatrist and when I asked about a mental health care plan so that it would be able to be bulk billed he said they already bulk bill, but when I called to make an appointment they said they only bulk bill with a health care plan. So I went back to the same medical centre at night when I could leave the kids with Brett, but a different doctor was on and he said I would have to come back and see the other doctor since he was the one I first spoke to, I left so frustrated and upset that I came home and cried and cried. I had made the effort to go and get some help and no-one knew what to do!!! I then went with my mum to her doctor and he wanted to put me on tablets but couldn't cause I was breastfeeding, so he gave me what he thought was a mental health plan to go see someone, but it turned out to be the wrong paperwork and at that point I was ready to just give up!

I decided that if I wasn't going to be able to get any real help to sort through any underlying issues that I would have to at least go on tablets before I totally lost the plot and so I made a heart wrenching decision to stop breastfeeding. The final straw was a night of constant feeds with hardly any sleep, followed by a day of almost non-stop crying (from me not the children) when I rang my mother to come over cause I just wanted to run out the door and get away from here and just leave all the kids behind. She bought formula that day but it was still a couple of feeds later before I could bring myself to use it, then after 2 bottle feeds Elora slept the longest she's ever gone at night and I got 6 hours sleep in a row. I woke up with hope that this was the right decision for my sanity, so I didn't take my motilium tablet that day and started weaning Elora. She wasn't really impressed at first and I had to buy expensive bottles that are like the breast for it to work well. I was still breastfeeding every 3rd feed or so for the first couple of days until the motilium wore off from my system and my supply dropped and after 4 days it was all bottles.

As it turned out this is exactly what I needed to do. After a couple of days without the motilium I started feeling different, it wasn't just that I was getting a little more sleep or that the prospect of bottle feeding made me feel less 'trapped' to be able to do things child free if I needed to, something was different in my head. I wondered if it might be the tablets so I did some research on the hormone prolactin which is what motilium increases to increase milk supply, and I discovered that too much of it can produce mood swings, depression and anxiety. I have had bad reactions to medications in the past that messed with my hormones, such as the pill and also clomid when we were struggling to get pregnant, but I was so desperate to be able to successfully breastfeed for the first time that I never stopped to think about how messing with my hormones would affect me.

So after a few days drug free the world starting to seem less overwhelming to me and the dark cloud in my head wasn't as bad. I then had some prayer ministry which brought up some other things going on inside me and God did some great healing there. That was 4 nights ago and guess what... I haven't cried since, that is a huge achievement!!! I've had busy, stressful, exhausting days that would've made me meltdown before and I've been ok. I feel like I found the sunshine after the rain and it's amazing how awesome and exciting and wonderful the world looks when a dark cloud has been lifted from the view. Now I am able to hold onto the pictures God showed me of him holding me and just resting in Him when I feel overwhelmed, I know I don't have to achieve anything for him to love me, He just loves me because I'm His girl, just like I love my little girls just because they're mine. I knew that in my head before, but there was another constant voice telling me what a failure I was and it was paralysing and now it's gone.

I feel alive on the inside for the first time in months and it's great!! I am so thankful for amazing love and support from family and friends and I am so thankful that I have a Heavenly Father who loves me and knows exactly what I need!!!!! :-)

Crash and Burn.....

I used to be a strong, competent person capable of multi tasking, thriving on organising things, involved in ministries and pretty much always on hand to help people in one form or another..... and then I had baby number 3 and it all came crashing down.

I thought I was just tired (I am very much that too), I thought it was normal to feel so overwhelmed with 3 kids and that once I got through the first few weeks it would all get better, but it didn't, in fact it got worse!

I find myself in a very fragile place and I hate it!! I am crying over silly things all the time, I am anxious to the point of physically shaking over simple everyday things like getting dinner cooked or going to the shops to buy milk. I am swinging between not wanting to leave the house at all, to wanting to get out of the house and be anywhere else but here cause the walls feel like a prison. I have moments when I want to leave everyone in the house to talk amongst themselves and just go somewhere alone and be free cause I can't deal with it all anymore, I have moments where both girls are crying and I just wanna sit on the floor and join in crying with them.

I have organised camps, fundraisers, fetes.... but at the moment I am ridiculously stressed trying to organise a simple baby dedication. I am struggling to even be myself any more. People who know me know I love to talk, well I haven't been blogging cause I haven't been able to find any words for the jumble in my head and at our Bible study group the other night Brett spoke more than me, that is saying something cause my hubby is a man of few words!!!

My mum and little sister have both said recently they thought I might have postnatal depression and I ignored their insight because my idea of postnatal depression was a suicidal person who doesn't wanna be with their baby and either cries all day or stares blanky at the walls and I'm not like that , I even have some fairly happy moments most days so I just thought I could "suck it up" and I'd be ok. But after having another anxiety attack over something silly I checked into it on the beyond blue website. I scored a 17 on the scale of questions for postnatal depression, it says see a Dr if you score over 10. So it seems there is a reason for me falling apart at the seams at the moment. Now I need to get some help and learn to be kinder to myself. I keep thinking I'm a failure for not being stronger, that it's because I'm weak and useless that I can't cope, but I know that's not true in my rational moments.

I just wish I could recognise myself cause I don't know who this fragile, emotional person is, she is a far cry from the perfectionistic high achiever I used to be, or maybe she is the result of being that for too long, time will tell I guess......