Crash and Burn.....

I used to be a strong, competent person capable of multi tasking, thriving on organising things, involved in ministries and pretty much always on hand to help people in one form or another..... and then I had baby number 3 and it all came crashing down.

I thought I was just tired (I am very much that too), I thought it was normal to feel so overwhelmed with 3 kids and that once I got through the first few weeks it would all get better, but it didn't, in fact it got worse!

I find myself in a very fragile place and I hate it!! I am crying over silly things all the time, I am anxious to the point of physically shaking over simple everyday things like getting dinner cooked or going to the shops to buy milk. I am swinging between not wanting to leave the house at all, to wanting to get out of the house and be anywhere else but here cause the walls feel like a prison. I have moments when I want to leave everyone in the house to talk amongst themselves and just go somewhere alone and be free cause I can't deal with it all anymore, I have moments where both girls are crying and I just wanna sit on the floor and join in crying with them.

I have organised camps, fundraisers, fetes.... but at the moment I am ridiculously stressed trying to organise a simple baby dedication. I am struggling to even be myself any more. People who know me know I love to talk, well I haven't been blogging cause I haven't been able to find any words for the jumble in my head and at our Bible study group the other night Brett spoke more than me, that is saying something cause my hubby is a man of few words!!!

My mum and little sister have both said recently they thought I might have postnatal depression and I ignored their insight because my idea of postnatal depression was a suicidal person who doesn't wanna be with their baby and either cries all day or stares blanky at the walls and I'm not like that , I even have some fairly happy moments most days so I just thought I could "suck it up" and I'd be ok. But after having another anxiety attack over something silly I checked into it on the beyond blue website. I scored a 17 on the scale of questions for postnatal depression, it says see a Dr if you score over 10. So it seems there is a reason for me falling apart at the seams at the moment. Now I need to get some help and learn to be kinder to myself. I keep thinking I'm a failure for not being stronger, that it's because I'm weak and useless that I can't cope, but I know that's not true in my rational moments.

I just wish I could recognise myself cause I don't know who this fragile, emotional person is, she is a far cry from the perfectionistic high achiever I used to be, or maybe she is the result of being that for too long, time will tell I guess......