Mumma Mia, here I go again.....

There are days when I forget what a blessing children are supposed to be. You'd think that after struggling for years with infertility, my children would seem even more precious, and most of the time they do, but I'm finding lately that being mum to a special needs child is constantly pushing my buttons and making me feel like motherhood is sent to torment me!!!!

The meltdowns, the attitude, the arguing cause the world must run according to how his head sees it wear me down, and the tics, well they just drive me nuts. I try to ignore them but there are times when I just feel like yelling "would you just shut up and stop it!!!!". I also get downhearted when we go out and people stare, so often I wonder if I should just say "he has tourettes, stop staring" but I never do unless people actually comment cause I'm afraid I'll lose my temper and let loose at some poor ignorant stranger at the shops. There are good days when I see his creative mind and kind heart and feel so blessed to have such a special boy, but I think after weeks and weeks of so much time together I am failing to notice these as much and I think we need a break!! Thankfully my mum is having Jaden on Tues so Bethany and I can enjoy a day together and I am very much looking forward to the time out.

I think what really frightens me is that I don't have it in me to cope with what God has given me. There are twins in Brett's family and God's shown us both years ago that we would have twins ( a boy and a girl), so I am anxiously awaiting an ultrasound which I am having on 6th Oct, to see if this is them. The thought of twin newborns, a 14 month old and then Jaden on top of that is so overwhelming, and yet I am so excited about this pregnancy and think I'll actually be disappointed if they only find one, so my own head can't even agree on how I feel. I guess it comes down to trusting that God knows what he's doing and that he needs to be my strength no matter how many kids I have.

I have also found encouragement recently from reading the Sheila Walsh book "I'm not wonder woman but God did make me wonderful", so freeing to realise I don't have to be perfect at everything all the time (some childhood baggage there), I just have to be who God asks me to be!! I have also found encouragement in a book written by Kate Gosselin who trusted God with her fertility and got twins then sextuplets ( and God that would be so not funny, so please don't try that with me!!!!!), she said " early in my pregnancy when we learned I was carrying multiples I felt insignificant and unworthy to mother so many children. As time passed we realised God did not make a mistake when he gave us 6 instead of 1. For us this was the beginning of learning to trust God completely." Wise words, and I have found many nuggets of encouragement in her little gift book called "8 little faces".

One of the things I am very much enjoying in motherhood is watching my baby girl grow and learn new things. She can now sit on her own and only topples if she reaches too far to grab something, and she is trying so hard to crawl. It's funny watching her trying to wriggle towards something but she ends up going backwards in a sort of commando crawl/slide and the confusion on her face is priceless when she realises she's the opposite of where she wanted to be. I keep looking at this beautiful little bub and can't believe she is going to be a big sister soon.

So here I am exhausted, feeling nauseated a lot of the time (but definately not as bad as the last 2 pregnancies) and I've hurt my back on top of that too, and feeling totally overwhelmed by motherhood, but at the same time I am excited and know this is what God has called me to do. Especially since yet again a pregnancy arrived just when I was planning something new, I had literally just started making plans to go on a 10 day mission trip next year into outback Aus to an Indigenous community and was planning to take Bethany with me, but now that there is another bub (or 2) on the way that's not gonna happen, think I should just stop making plans to leave the house and get the hint LOL